26/8/25
let me out of my head

the thoughts are crippling me but i carry on
i cant keep living by staying in my own misery everyday
i have to move on

28/9/25
chaotic good. yeah right. i've wronged too many people to be good, but i kept my morals. lawful evil. i'll die with a guitly conscience but with honor

ever since i got my wisdom teeeth pulled out i've had this funny feeling
i feel like i'm in the closing years of my life even though i'm not even 17 yet

i walk with a limp. i can only eat soft food or my stomach hurts. i can feel my organs rotting inside me.
my throat always hurts. my eyes barely work. i almost get in a crash everytime i drive.
when i shower, the hot water feels like the sensation of cutting myself

12/10/35
sometimes when i wake up i'm in a pool of my own sweat and i can't cool down no matter what
today is one of those days
my arms and legs are sore as hell
i cant stop coughing

21/10/25
ive been thinking and german city does this a lot actually
i fall into a 2 week phase with a game, he sees me playing near the end of my 2 weeks, finds out it's multiplayer, and buys it.
of course since he's my friend i'll play with him for a "bit" to ease him into it.
when i play a game i usually only play for about 1 or 2 hours, sometimes 4 or 5 if it's a game i really love
when i play with him it's for 9 hours everyday until his phase ends
it would be fine if it was part of my 2 weeks but everytime he only buys it after my 2 weeks
brick rigs, gta, project zomboid, cod, and most recently terraria
Call of Duty is especially bad because if i'm just trying to kill time he'll join immediately and take my whole day.
i can only ever waste time on the ones he doesn't own. none of them except infinite warfare have good zombies
and it fucking sucks he never asks to play one of the games i like.
Helldivers, Sea of Thieves, Sniper Elite 4 and 5, and Factorio all sit in my library waiting for me alone to play them

29/10/25
i don't know what i'm waiting for
i feel like my life is stuck. i blame school. i just sit through classes on autopilot and let things pass me by.
wish i could just die already

i'm tired of buying people things under the promise they'll pay me back
they do but never in more than $1 bills
why aren't i worth more than $1
what did i do

bottom shelf is all i'll ever be

31/10/25
i'm making such a big deal out of nothing
what's wrong with me
my 2 weeks were nice but i'm back to being miserable now
Rest in Peace Sammi, Sasha, Olive, and Sara
i'll see you there

15/11/25
ive come to the conclusion that they would be fine without me. they keep predicting my jokes before i say them.
whats the fun in even thinking if they say it before i can think it
what's the fun in being with people if they keep saying what you want to before you can

21/11/25
i should've shot myself that night when i got home
one of my guy friends asked me out even though i feel like i made it so clear im lesbian
i feel bad about rejecting him even though dating him would violate 2 of my huge moral boundries

26/11/15
i'm not that person anymore
i'm not luci kiel
i've had my redemption arc twice now and luci didn't kill herself i killed her
i'm Sydney Markus Lobster
i think back on how for so long i thought 8th grade was the best time of my life

my friend group tripled
everyone was united against me and by best friend's exes
everyone was demanding jojo part 7 be animated since the last batch of 6 came out that december
i had just got a bass guitar before the year started

it only felt better because 7th grade was the epilouge to the worst part of my life
and it was followed by my freshman year when half of my friends fell out with us because of cheating in a relationship or becoming racist or whatever else happened
sophmore year was fucking amazing, i got classes with my friends everyday, i got a car
now here i sit as a junior, feeling miserable, my friend group split into factions

i've wondered why i've idolized 8th grade for so long
it's because of the whole trans thing
everyday i would talk to connor who would refer to me as a girl more than anyone else, it made me feel amazing to be seen as a girl by someone besides myself
i romanticized the idea of being called a girl for so long
when i was a sophmore i wore a maid dress and it was the best i ever felt

after the whole realization it made more sense and i bought another pair of stockings
i was miserable in 8th and i'm miserable now
December 18th in 8th grade was the closest i ever came to killing myself
i had the barrel of my dad's gun pressed to my head with the hammer back
i don't know why i didn't pull the trigger but i didn't

i'm not that girl anymore
the only thing left of her are my watch and computer

3/12/25
i meant to distance myself so when i dinally did it they wouldn't care but in the process i became elijah's best friend
he still said whatever when i was giving it my all to console him
i could be his best friend but i'm still just a whatever
whatever is all i'll ever be isn't it

14/12/25
12/12 pass like it always does, i get close, think about doing it, nothing happens
i gotta stop doing that everytime

4/1/26
god i fucking hate being alive
my buddy brought cookies with pecans in them and i ate one not knowing they had pecans
throat closed, lips puffed, threw up, couldn't see, passed out
i had to get rushed to the ER, spent 5 hours in the hospital
my dad pulled out a pack of peanuts and started eating them right in front of me
ontop of all this i didn't eat all day so i made a pizza and he ate half of it despite stepping out for food 6 times

11/1/26
i've noticed that i've been lashing out more often
not even on justified things, anything that slightly pissed me off makes be get like this
i gotta just kill myself already
i'm convinced they don't like me and i'm probably right
pablo says i'm his best friend but when i stay up to get his parts done so we can film in the morning he's just "i'm still with large man, you probably can't come over"
i really need new friends